It was around three to four years ago, I had been living in Dallas and  came to the point where I had to just get away. I decided that St. Croix would be the place.

My disaster started when I was around 18 years old. My parents started to fight almost constantly and within a year from that time they were divorced. This started the road to losing myself. I met a man and got very serious with him. This is a relationship that I do not talk about much and almost not at all. Not just because it was the biggest heartbreak a girl could experience but more because I like to pretend it never happened. If I was not messed up enough to be with him, the worst was what happend afterwards.

I completely lost myself to this man. I also lost everybit of self worth. After the relationship was over,  I was a little lost and was ready to explore the forest of the city. It was not too long afterwards that I met a man who showed me a whole new life.  He was fun and smooth. I was completely entranced by his arrogance. I thought it was so exciting to be with a man who loved to look at himself in the mirror and who named himself ” The David” (the famous sculpture of the perfect male body)! I wanted to feel the same way about myself and I guess in a way I felt like if this guy thinks he is so special then he must think I might be something special as well. I am sure you guys can guess that he didnt. I just fed his ego and made myself the complete fool yet again!

This is not the only man that I dated like this, they came in all different forms. If he didnt think he was “The David” then he thought his profession and status in life was the next best thing. I kept falling for men that were completely in love with themselves and I was the perfect companion for this type of person. My need to feel self worth was all caught up in who I was dating at the time. I wasnt exactly looking for a mate. I was looking for me!

I had been working for a awesome company and had great friends who loved me, but even with that, I knew I was missing something. My heart was getting so polluted as well as my mind. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t say goodbye to these toxic relationships and came to the conclusion that I needed to get away to a place where the temptation of dating would be too far to reach. St Croix was the place! I got on the plane and began to write. I mostly wrote letters to God at this time and I can remember just saying to God that I am not sure what I am doing but if it made me closer to him and home then it would be all worth it.

St Croix is the only constant home I have ever had. We moved around more than the average family and the town where I did most of my growing was no longer home. My mother sold the house after the divorce and with no family there anymore, it was now considered just Graham instead of home. While living in St Croix I had plenty of time to think, time to think about the birds, the crabs, the smell of the morning dew, and of  Home. I did some traveling, went to places like San Juan, France and all over the U.S. I was not able to find peace anywhere. I then decided to move to Iowa where my twin sister lived. I knew I missed Dallas but wasn’t ready to go back.

While living in Iowa, I experienced the beauty of the midwest.  I absoulutely loved it. I found pieces of myself again. I found that people have value and that they didnt have to prove themselves to have it.  I dated a man for the first time who taught me what a man does when he actually values you as a person. I never dated anyone who made me feel more beautiful in my life. I made friends who I will never forget. I started to see myself differently and it felt so good. While it was so great, I still missed Dallas. I went home for a visit and got out of my car to find my nieces and nephews run and tackle me down. They were enthralled with me, they asked so many questions, like “DD, did you get your first real French Kiss?” “DD, will you play soccer with us?” “DD, are you going to help us sell our girl scout cookies this year?”  the best was “DD when are you coming home for good?” I knew at that moment, where my home truely was and it was with my family!

So while I had a disaster and I had to get away to find my true self again. The beauty of it is I found myself and found my direction. The direction was and always is home!